


A Terrible Idea in Great Company

by Hadi42



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Absurd, Comedy, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gambling, Gen, Intentional Harrassment but for Humor and Stupid Teen Purposes, Nobody ends up with anybody ok it's just a dumb humor fic, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic but Competitive Relationships, School Hijinks, Sexual Humor, Suggestive Themes, Unintentional Harrassment, out of universe cursing cuz please these morons are fab and they know it, that is ultimately about friendship and loveable idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-09-25 04:11:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20370481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hadi42/pseuds/Hadi42
Summary: Some people like to talk with their friends. Others prefer to do activities together.And then you have people like Hilda and Claude, whose entire friendship is built on a series of escalating wagers that only get stupider and more ridiculous with each successive round. But none is quite as ambitious or as dangerous as Claude's latest challenge: get the new professor in charge of the Golden Deer house to agree to go out on a date with one of them.Things get quickly out of hand when Byleth Eisner turns out to be more than either of them bargained for.Very, very quickly.





	1. The Game

"Claude, I'm bored."

The young man napping in the shade of the tree opened one eye to find a familiar face looking down on him. Clever eyes and a cute, petulant expression, with two long pigtails swaying gently in the breeze over his head.

"Hey there, Hil," Claude yawned, stretching against the bark of the tree. "Is it lunch time already?"

"No," Hilda said grumpily as she sat on the grass next to him, legs arranged neatly to the side. "I can't stand all this waiting around. If we don't have a teacher, we should be allowed to skip class until we do. We've been wasting time for weeks."

"Now, now," Claude said, waving his hand carelessly at her. "We may not have lectures just yet, but we should gather and get to know each other when we have free time. We're not like the other two classes, all bound by chivalry and loyalty and all that nonsense; may as well use this time to make friends."

Hilda scoffed loudly. "You don't even believe your own rubbish, Claude; if you really cared about _making friends, _you wouldn't be hiding out here where no one can see you."

"Sure they can see me," he said, closing his eyes again. "You found me, didn't you?"

"Yes, well, I made an effort. Lorenz will _not _shut up and if I have to stand there with an insipid smile for five more minutes, I'm going to lose it."

"So go hang out with Marianne," he shrugged. "Or Leonie, if you're looking for a bit more cheer in your morning."

"Marianne is busy with a rabbit she found earlier. And Leonie is having a grand old time chatting with Raphael and Ignatz. I'm not really in the mood to go join them."

"But you're in the mood to bother me, clearly," said Claude. Hilda gave a small _tsk _of annoyance.

"_No, _I'm just bored."

"And?"

"And I won last time, so it's your turn to make the rules."

"You didn't win," he scoffed. "You cheated."

"I did _not_ cheat, I used everything in my disposal to win."

"You got that guy to sell them all for you!"

"Yes I did, with my own charms and a good bit of skillful convincing," she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "So it's still a win for me."

Claude rolled his eyes. "Cheater."

"Whatever. You are a sore loser, Mr. Schemer."

"No, I just don't think its fair, you using your _wiles _to manipulate someone into winning the game for you. It's hardly skill."

"So you try it, if you think it's so easy," she huffed. "It's not as if the game has _rules."_

"Maybe I will," he said. "And maybe it should."

Hilda made a noise between a snort and a laugh. "Oh please, playing wouldn't be half as fun if we were limited by dumb constraints. Besides, you're the one who said everything goes."

"Yeah, I did, before you _cheated_," he said loudly. She smacked him lightly on the forearm.

"You can't cheat if there are no rules, dumbass. And getting people to do what you want them to? It's way harder than it looks."

Claude snorted so hard he had to cough to clear his throat.

"Oh please, you have nothing I don't have," he said. "Cute face, pretty eyes, great body, a gift for charming everyone who turns for a second look... I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, but I am a _treat, _Hil. I mean, look at me." He held out his arms as if offering her a prized glance. She shrugged.

"Eh."

"Don't you 'eh' me, young lady, I've seen you eyeing the goods," he said accusingly.

"Oh, I'm not denying you're cute as fuck," she said, turning her head slightly to get a good look at his backside. "That ass, not gonna lie, I'd hit it."

"Thank you, I do appreciate a good ass compliment."

"Don't we all?" she chuckled. "But being hot is not the same as knowing how to get people to do what you want them to. It's not just about being cute, you know."

"Sure it is. I just turn up the charm, give them that cheeky bastard grin, you know, the one that looks like I'm imagining what you look like naked-"

"That _is _a very effective look."

"And it's not very hard to pull off," Claude admitted, raising his arms behind his head lazily. "I have literally never needed to actually imagine someone naked to manage it."

"Well duh, that's not what people _actually _look like when they're thinking about you naked. It's just what you _want _people to think you look like."

Claude eyed her curiously for a moment. "You are so much smarter than everyone gives you credit for, Hil."

"Of course, do you know how annoying it would be if everyone knew I wasn't a shallow idiot? No way, I'm not about it."

"So how come you let me know?"

"Because you're not stupid either, and it's too much work to up the charm when you can see right through it. And anyway, the game is fun. Keeps me from dying of boredom, and I get to rub your smug little face in it when I win."

"You've only won like three times!"

"Out of five rounds!"

"You cheated!"

"I did not, and I'm gonna prove it! Next round, you try to charm someone, and we'll see if your pretty eyes and sweet ass are enough to get them to do what you want."

"Oh no you don't, it's my turn to set the stakes!"

Hilda laughed. "So you _do _admit you lost!" Claude sat up immediately and glared at her suspiciously.

"You are a tricky, scheming woman, Hil, and I don't trust you one bit."

"Good, you've learned," she grinned, leaning back and staring up at the branches in the tree. "Let's have it then, your conditions."

Claude sat cross-legged beneath the tree, thinking hard.

"Alright, let's prove once and for all that you're a cheater. We both pick a target and ask them to do something for each of us, and if they do it, then you win."

"Too easy," she groaned. "It should be something not just anyone would do."

"Well... how about asking someone on a date?"

Hilda burst into laughter. "As if that's _difficult!" _she snorted. "Any guy will trip over themselves to go on a date with a noblewoman."

"Well I didn't say you had to ask a _guy," _Claude said, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth as he stared at something in the courtyard.

"What are you-," she began, but she was rudely interrupted as he took her by the chin and turned her head slightly so she could see what was going on with the rest of the class behind them. The other students were gathering around Seteth, who was speaking, and a vaguely familiar woman standing silently at his side. At some point, Seteth gestured to the woman and she came forward. Dark blue eyes darted from one face to the next as she spoke, but her expression was unnervingly blank.

"Isn't that the Eisner girl?" Hilda asked, tugging Claude's hand away grumpily. "That knight's daughter? Is she joining our class?"

"Looks like she chose the Golden Deer after all," Claude said cheerfully. "And no, Hil, she's not joining us. She's _teaching _us."

_"What?!"_

"Oh yes, Lady Rhea herself asked her to teach one of the houses after she saved me and the other two house leaders."

"And you didn't think to tell any of us?!"

He shrugged. "It wasn't relevant yet. But it is now." He turned to her, mischief written all over his face. "Any normal guy or girl would be an unfair target, seeing how cute and charming we both are; and picking a male student would be playing to your strengths too much, since we already know you are a master manipulator. But Professor Eisner... she doesn't seem the type to fall for cheap tricks or a pretty face, right? And there's the whole teacher-student barrier to overcome. It'll be difficult no matter who attempts it."

Hilda's mouth fell open.

"No way! We can't compete over a _teacher! _She'll get us in trouble! We'll be expelled!"

"Afraid then? Was all that talk about skill just you showing off?"

"Of course I'm not afraid!" she hissed. "But she has to be way older than us-"

"Not by much, I don't think," Claude said as he watched the students ask the new professor questions. "Her father left some twenty years ago and it seems she was born after the fact. She looks young, yeah?"

"Well, yes..."

"And she's pretty cute, wouldn't you say?"

Hilda bit her lip. "I mean... well, yeah, okay, she _is _kind of hot... Not as much as me, but... a good, solid 8, I'd say... Oh, _dang_," she muttered as the professor turned and pulled her cloak off, throwing it over her shoulder to reveal a set of well-toned arms, a curvy figure, and a more than sizeable bust. "Shit, that's a _ten,_" she admitted with a sharp intake of breath.

Claude chuckled. "Hil, that's pretty dang gay."

"Fuck yeah it is," she said, biting her nail thoughtfully. "But I mean, can you really blame me? Look at her! Game or no game, that is a _woman._"

"Oh, I am looking," he said seriously. "I really am."

There was a moment of appreciative silence, and then, without looking away from their target, they shook hands.

"Fifty gold," Hilda said.

"Whoever gets her to agree to a date first," Claude added.

"Anything goes."

"Obviously. Let the game begin."

They got up at the same time, and dusted themselves off.

"I'm going to crush you into the dirt," Hilda said pleasantly as she straightened her skirt.

"Such a sweet, polite girl," Claude muttered under his breath as she set off toward the others. But she would win over his dead body.

He didn't have fifty gold.


	2. Byleth

"For those of you I didn't meet earlier, my name is Byleth Eisner, and I'll be the professor for this year's class."

Byleth finished writing her name on the chalkboard and turned to face her students. Everyone stared back curiously, but she remained completely unfazed by their interest.

"I don't have much in the way of credentials," she continued, making her way down the aisle with slow, measured steps, hands held behind her back. "Lady Rhea has asked me to oversee your training in the arts of war, but I have never been a teacher before. If my methods are strange, I apologize in advance; everything I know I learned from either my father, or from the battlefield, and neither have been particularly understanding instructors. I am not a noble, or an academic. So as a mercenary, and the daughter of a mercenary, I will be in your care."

"She doesn't seem like a new professor," Hilda whispered to Marianne as Byleth spoke. "You'd think she would be nervous, but she looks like she's been lecturing for years-"

There was a loud smack as Byleth stopped next to Hilda's seat and hit the desk sharply with the edge of a bound scroll.

"Was there something you wanted to share with the class, Miss...?"

"Uh, no, not... not really," Hilda squeaked, caught off guard. Marianne gave a panicked squeal and hid behind a book. There was no trace of anger on the professor's face, and yet...

"Name?"

"What?"

"Your name," Byleth repeated in the same, flat tone. "Or do you not have one?"

Hilda felt her face flush as Byleth stared down at her. She was much prettier up close, with high cheekbones, wide eyes, and small, red lips that stood out like a drop of blood on her pale skin. There was a small scar on one of her cheeks that somehow only seemed to augment her good looks. A small blue gemstone hung from each ear, half-hidden by her rather disheveled looking hair, but it suited her somehow, like she had stepped off a battlefield and had no time to worry over it. She was wearing her cloak again, and Hilda was glad for it; Byleth was intimidating enough without flaunting her other, more physical assets.

Across the room, Hilda could see Claude shaking with silent laughter, and the indignity of it snapped her back to her senses.

"Um, er, G-Goneril," she said, trying to look Byleth in the eye. It was painfully unnerving; Hilda had never shied away from eye contact, but she could read nothing in Byleth's gaze. It was like staring at the glassy, lifeless eyes of a doll; beautiful, but soulless, unfathomable. Hilda felt the hair stand on the back of her neck, and she had to settle on staring at a point below Byleth's nose. This was not particularly helpful; the professor had fantastic bone structure, and even her nose was enviable. "Hilda Valentine Goneril. Is my name," she finished lamely. Byleth shook the scroll open and scanned the list on it until she found what she was looking for.

"Hilda, second in line to the House of Goneril, correct? Your brother is a graduate of the academy?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Professor," Byleth corrected coolly, casting Hilda a calculating look. "Did you have a question for me, Hilda?"

"N-no, Professor..."

Byleth nodded and turned away without another word.

"Excuse me, _I _have a question, Teach."

The entire class turned as one to see Claude raising his hand lazily from his seat, a smug grin on his face.

"Claude," Byleth said simply. Hilda could almost _smell _the pheromones coming off him, so thick was he putting on the charm. He blinked slowly with his long, dark eyelashes as he surreptitiously leaned forward, as though he could not help being pulled toward the professor. His lips were parted slightly, his dark cheeks flushed, looking like a painfully innocent schoolboy struck with undeniable attraction.

_You little fuck, _mouthed Hilda, and she thought she saw a small flicker of amusement twitch under the carefully constructed facade. But then he turned his attention fully toward Byleth, eyes wide, adoring, and interested.

"I was just wondering, Teach... How old are you exactly? It's just, you look _so _young, you know?"

Byleth considered him for half a second.

"I don't know," she replied, and continued making her way up the aisle without so much as an explanation. Claude gaped after her, clearly confused by her disinterest. Hilda smirked and made a point of sitting up in her seat as she smoothed away her emotions and replaced them with her sweetest, most thoughtful expression.

"Professor? How can you not know your own age?" she asked, raising her hand politely. Byleth did not even turn to look.

"I don't know what I don't know," she said flatly, then began calling names off the list. Claude, who had managed to regain his wits, shot his hand up in the air again.

"Then, do you have a boyfriend, Teach? Or a girlfriend, maybe?"

Ignatz made a noise of distress behind Hilda, but several other students seemed rather interested as they watched the exchange.

"Not that I know of," Byleth replied, not even missing a beat as she moved on to the next name. "Marianne von Edmund?"

Marianne raised a shaking, timid hand as Claude jumped on the opportunity.

"Would you like one?" he asked coyly, and the whole class gasped at his audacity.

Byleth looked up from her list at the sound but did not seem at all bothered.

"Not particularly," she said. "Ignatz Victor?"

Claude looked like he had been slapped. Hilda scribbled a quick note and threw it at him when Byleth wasn't looking.

_Still think you're hot shit? _ it read.

_At least I tried something, _he mouthed back.

Hilda made a point to flip him off as soon as the coast was clear.

* * *

"You are an unbelievable little shit, Claude."

"Thank you, I try," he said as Hilda caught up with him in the courtyard. "I didn't really expect that to work, but I had to start somewhere."

"Didn't expect it to work, my ass," scoffed Hilda, clutching her books to her chest with ill-disguised disgust. "You looked like someone had torn your favorite cloak in half when she ignored you."

"Hey, don't joke about my cloak like that, it's bad luck."

"It's vaguely out of season," she said, rolling her eyes. "You were expecting _something, _don't lie."

"More like I wasn't expecting _nothing,_" he grimaced. "She's so much more serious than I thought she was. I misread her."

"Honestly? She's kind of scary," Hilda admitted, shivering at the thought of Byleth's eyes. "She's gorgeous but when she was staring down at me I just... I dunno, I shut down. Like she was staring into my soul or something."

Claude nodded. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But is that really what she's like?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well, she's intimidating but... I can't help liking her. Don't you get that feeling?"

Hilda considered for a moment.

"I think so, yeah," she nodded. "I couldn't tell you why, but you're right."

"Maybe she's just doing what we do," he shrugged. "Putting up a mask. Keeping her real self hidden under it."

Hilda grimaced. "That's going to make getting under it so much harder."

"Which is why," Claude said, the mischievous look back in his eyes as they turned the corner toward the dormitories, "we'll have to test that mask thoroughly until we find a way to crack it."

"_We _are doing nothing," Hilda said. "It's my move next, and you better stay out of my way."

"Or what, you'll stutter at her?" he teased. She glared at him.

"Don't blame me if you find a pile of ashes in your closet, next time you're looking for your cloak." She reached the stairs and stomped off, leaving Claude looking vaguely stricken at the foot.

"You wouldn't dare!" he called up. "Er, right....? Hilda? ... HILDA!"


	3. The Attack

"I told you not to come! It's suspicious if you're just hanging around!"

"No way," said Claude firmly. They were arguing furiously in an alcove near the courtyard, glancing nervously at the hallway every few seconds. "Who knows what you'll pull if I'm not there to witness it?"

"Oh fuck off," Hilda said angrily. "I'm not cheating, and you said yourself anything goes!"

"Anything that doesn't include cheat- MNG!" Hilda had suddenly clapped her hands over his mouth and hissed in his ear.

"Shh! Shut up, she's coming!"

They both stiffened, and seemed to shrink into the shadows. A few seconds later, Byleth passed their hiding spot without noticing them, her low heels clacking loudly on the stones. They waited until the sound nearly faded, and then Hilda raised a finger to her lips and hastily adjusted her shirt before leaving Claude alone in the alcove. She tiptoed behind the professor for a moment and then began hurrying toward her, clutching her bag.

"Professor!" she called. Byleth paused at the end of the corridor and turned to face her.

"Hilda," she said as Hilda ran. But just before she reached the professor, she suddenly tripped and fell violently with a scream, her bag splitting open and scattering all her things around her sprawled body. Byleth immediately knelt down to help her, though Claude couldn't help feeling unnerved at the sight of her expressionless face as she did.

_Yeesh, nothing fazes her, does it? _he thought as he cautiously peeked around the corner.

"Ow!" cried Hilda miserably from the floor.

"Are you alright?" Byleth asked, voice as flat as ever. Hilda sniffled, and though Claude couldn't see her face from this angle, he knew she was crying real tears. She was masterful at crying on command.

"Y-yes," she said in a trembling voice. Byleth held out a hand to help her up, but as she did, there was a loud ripping sound and Hilda screamed in distress. "No!"

Claude could hear the obvious theatricality but he doubted anyone else could. He scowled as Hilda turned and he saw what she'd done; her blouse buttons had ripped and her bra and (admittedly lovely) cleavage were on full display. She pretended to cover herself with her arms, though she left quite a bit visible in her supposed distress.

"The buttons!" she cried, and her face was convincingly flushed as she searched the floor frantically.

It was very well done, Claude had to admit. Any normal person would lose their composure when facing a situation like that one. Even if they weren't particularly affected by Hilda's body, they would still feel sorry for her or at least try to get her to calm down.

_So what will you do, Teach? _

Byleth opened her mouth to say something, but instead began to pull off her jacket in silence. Before Hilda could react to what she was doing, she threw it over Hilda's shoulders and buttoned it over her chest. Hilda stared at her stupidly.

"You can give it back tomorrow," Byleth said simply, turning her attention to the floor. She quickly found the buttons and pressed them into Hilda's hand. "If you need help sewing, ask Bernadetta. I hear she is good at needlework." She then proceeded to pick up all of Hilda's belongings and returned them to her bag. "Here."

"Th-thanks," Hilda managed, still looking rather lost.

"What did you want?" Byleth asked.

"Sorry?"

"You ran up to me. Did you have a question?"

"Oh... I uh, I forgot," Hilda muttered, and Claude distinctly saw a real blush creep over her cheeks. Byleth nodded.

"Don't run in heels next time," she said, and left as coolly as ever.

Hilda stared at the corner where she had disappeared for a minute before turning around and plodding back to the alcove slowly.

"Well, that went poorly," Claude snorted. "You loosened those buttons on purpose, didn't you?"

"She didn't even _look,_" Hilda said, aghast. "I mean, she saw the shirt rip, but not once did she even glance at them properly! I was even really careful to wear my sexiest, laciest bra! Look at this!" She shamelessly unbuttoned the jacket so Claude could see up close. "It's so low cut you can _just _make out the little shade of pink where my nipples start! And I know for a _fact _I have great boobs, so how did she not even sneak a look?!"

"You do, in fact, have fantastic tits," Claude admitted, admiring Hilda's careful selection of underwear. "I appreciate you sharing that, I appreciate it a _lot."_

"Hmph, at least someone does," she said angrily, doing the buttons up again. "If no one gets off on this it would have been a damn waste of very delicate planning."

"Are you asking me to get off on your boobs, Hil?"

"Hell no," she said sharply. "I'm straight up _ordering _you to get off on them, and you'd better fucking enjoy every second of it."

"Aye, aye, captain, you've been heard loud and clear," he grinned, lifting his hand in mock salute. She rolled her eyes.

"You're _so_ weird."

"Pardon? I'm not the one telling her guy friends to use the memory of her admittedly sexy boobs for questionable solo activities."

"Keep talking and I'll revoke the permission," she snapped.

He immediately shut up and she gave a frustrated sort of sigh.

"What is it going to take to get that woman's attention?" she muttered aloud.

"Well, maybe she's just not into tits."

"Please," she scoffed. "Everyone is into tits. Even people who don't know they're into tits are into tits. Tits make the world go round."

"A true fact. Speaking of tits, she caught you off guard with hers, didn't she?" he asked, smirking as Hilda blushed again. "It's so easy to forget how _gifted _she is when she's usually walking around in a cloak or jacket."

"That's an understatement," she said under her breath. Claude nodded sagely.

"Tits make the world go round."

"They abso-fucking-lutely do."

They both spaced out for a moment.

"Well, my turn next," Claude said as soon as he'd pulled his thoughts away from what the professor would look like in Hilda's bra. "I'll have to properly upstage you, you sneaky little sex bomb."

"If you're gonna flash her, let me stop you right there," she said. "Dicks are just not as pretty as tits, even if you're really into them."

"When have you known me to be that crass, Hil?" he asked, tutting with disappointment. "I would rather not be construed as a pervert, thank you very much."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"You'll see."

"Because those words _always _end well when they come out of your mouth," Hilda snorted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Hides behind Byleth's jacket*_
> 
> Pls enjoy sassy, fabulous, and stupid Claude & Hilda hijinks thank
> 
> Also do not flash people irl even if you do have great tiddies it's just not nice
> 
> _*crawls away*_


End file.
